A letter to my future child, love your infertile mother

Hi, my baby,

You haven’t met me yet but I am your Mummy. I have been thinking about you for about 4 and a half years now, doing everything in my power to bring you into my life but unfortunately life has a funny way of working and it’s taking us a little bit longer than we hoped. You should know, however, that you are so loved already and your Daddy and I truly can’t wait to meet you.

I always thought you’d be here by now; I long for you every day that you are not. I imagine your face and I wonder whether you look like me or your Papà, whether you have my dark hair and his blue eyes, his Italian skin or my pale, sensitive skin. I wonder if you’ll be short like us or you’ll inherit height from your Zio Riccardo; maybe one day you’ll tower over us both. This week it was ‘back to school’ for the big boys and girls and I wondered what your first day will be like. I will most likely be an emotional wreck – you’ll soon learn it doesn’t take much to make me cry. Will you be nervous and be holding my hand at the door, or will you be so excited to start your new adventure? I imagined you running into your classroom and making new friends, teaching me new things you had learnt every day. Will you excel in Maths and Science, or will you be like me and much prefer to read? I know that no matter what you’ll do you make me proud.

I think about you whenever I am in the house. I brush my hair in my dressing room and know that it should be your nursery. I imagine decorating it whilst you’re still in my tummy, painting the walls and bossing your Daddy about. I imagine getting up to feed you at 3am and sitting in the spot where I currently hang my clothes. I walk through the living room and imagine you curling up next to me with a cup of hot chocolate before bed, with extra marshmallows at the weekend. You’re in every cup of tea I make, wondering how many I have left before I never get to drink it hot because I’m looking after you. You’re in every decision I make, whether to stay in my job, extend the house, ‘do up’ the garden or what car to buy. You are forever in my mind. I sit with your Nonno and baby, he can’t wait to meet you. You will love sitting in front of the fire whilst he feeds you chocolatey treats and thinks I don’t know, getting lost in his garden and learning to speak Italian. Grandma and Grandpa Tim will take you on wonderful walks with the dogs, whilst Grandad and Grandma Polly will take you camping in the wilderness. You, my darling, will have such a wonderful childhood. You will be loved by so many.

Waiting for you is the hardest thing I have ever done; some days it takes up all my energy and your poor Daddy spends his day doing everything he can to make me feel better. He is a wonderful man, your father. If you are a boy, my goodness you have a best friend for life in him, but my sweet if you are a girl, well, you’ll always have to ask me if you ever want ‘yes’ to be an answer. He will be so protective that unless you never want to be out past 5pm and never own a skirt, even at 20 years old, you’ll need me to be the boss. He will love you so unconditionally and I promise you that his life will revolve around making you happy, that he will do everything in his power to make you feel loved. I know because at the moment I am the centre of his world, but I can’t wait to give up that spot for you.

I can’t detach myself from you, little one. This journey has been so hard. There is something inside of me screaming to just keep going; you will be here eventually. You just need a bit longer, because you’re going to be that bit more special. I don’t know how long it will be until I meet you, but I know that I will, one day. I cannot wait to look down at you in my arms and to kiss your tiny face, to sing you an out of tune lullaby and cuddle you at night with your puppy siblings. My heart has so much love to give you; please don’t make it wait too much longer. I can’t promise it won’t burst.

My love, always,

Your infertile mother x

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